Hmm... ♡

I am so mad I can’t even type properly

my grandmother is so racist I can’t even articulate it

because she watches her FOX News every night

so she assumes that every Muslim out there is a violence-loving jerk out to kill us all

and when I CALMLY tried to explain that Islam is usually peaceful, she threw out all this crap about bombings and stuff

so I mentioned something like “would you consider the westboro baptist church true christianity? what makes you think that all Muslims out there stand by what extremists do? hasn’t it ever occurred to you that you’re stereotyping and overgeneralizing?”

so then she calls me a child with “limited education and experience” and told me to find her “proof of peaceful Muslims”

so I lost my crap and screamed at her that she’s blind

and now she’s ignoring me

well that’s absofreakinglutely fine with me.

It’s 2:03 AM.

I cannot sleep. Why?

There are three people on this campus who legitimately hate me.  I knew one of them was definitely not a fan, but for all three?

To hate me for something that happened last semester?

He commented one of them said, “It doesn’t matter what you did to her. That does not excuse her behavior.”

I was childish. I was stupid. I screwed up several times.  But did one of them ever approach me? No.

I don’t even know these people. I just

Maybe that’s the point.  They don’t know me.

(I mean what the hell? I’ve been nice to them on the occasions I’ve seen them. Hell, I even paid for a meal two years ago for the one who made that remark.)

Perhaps that is what hurts.  The fact they would judge me without getting my side of the story.

On a more interesting note, it’s cold in here and I’ve been shivering for hours.

I really shouldn’t let these things get to me.

Especially coming from him.

just be over, I told yesterday
just be over and let me breathe relief
but I woke up to today
and for some reason, it was worse

and it’s not that I miss you
you didn’t even cross my mind.
little lies come as I stare at my phone
waiting for time to leave me.

I think it was the feeling
of her arms around me
hands against my back
as I breathe her in and cry

I never did want them to see me like that.
I told you, emotional extremes were never my thing.
but perhaps this was a bit beyond my control
just like you. just like you.

my rage won’t let me apologize
and as I scream curse words to the ceiling of my car,
I can see how easy it is to break down and
admit you were right.

You were right.

And I… I was wrong.
But you’ll never know.
No, you’ll never know
Just what this did to me.

A Look Inside

A man once told me my mind intrigued and frightened him. I’d have to agree.
My mind is a place I’ve found myself retreating to more and more ever since the last few months of being seventeen.  A series of deaths dropped me into that realm with no warning, and I realized after a while it was harder to go than it was to stay.

Thus began my interaction emotional extremes.  I’ve mentioned before that grief has a way of dulling you, yet it sharpens your senses and emotions to an almost unbearable clarity.  

Let’s think of melodrama.  Exaggerated actions, a full range of facial expressions, superfluous gesture… I experienced that all from within my shell of depression, which crushed my external indicators of emotion to just a poker face and deep, intense crying.
It was terribly disorienting. I couldn’t stand it after a while. I just wanted the whole world to go away.

More recently, I’ve been better about controlling myself.  The emotional excesses are still just as intense, but they’re not quite so frequent.  I suppose one could correlate that to my grieving - I’ve discovered that the more time passes, the less raw my emotional states become.

That said, I still experience terrible moments of no control.  The anxiety I feel causes my heart to go at a rate I don’t think is possible.  The bitterness puts memories and words on repeat in my head until I want to rip my hair out. The sadness pulls at my insides, and it has the smallest of triggers.
The way a girl turns her head.
The twisting of a leaf.
The temperature of a day.
A picture.
A memory.
A word.

And the rage. Oh, the rage is incomprehensible.  I have injured myself during these fits. It’s stupid, I know.
I used to put a fist through glass when I was a child
Two years ago, I’d write messages on my arms in mechanical pencil
Hard enough to leave red for days
And a few weeks ago, I bashed the back of my head into a wall
Because of a girl I hope I never meet.
Stupid… yes.  But are there healthier alternative?

I just want to pull back from it.  It scares me - the emotional depth of my brain is just insane. It baffles me.  I don’t know what to do with it.

And as strange as it is, I never can bring up these emotions on the fly, even if my acting calls for it.

It’s a dilemma.  And I still don’t know the answers.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Tangled.

I dream of a red car
With a rusted hood
And you there in the passenger seat,
Staring out the rain-smeared window,
Counting all the passing taillights.

I want to say,
“Look at me.
You know that bed?
All the hours wasted in it,
It’s still calling out to me.

Touch.
How I longed for it,
Used it as an escape,
Did what I told myself I’d never-“
Little lies, layering on top of each other.

I whisper to the windshield,
“Please tell me
What would you do
To not be alone.
Please.”

You don’t answer at first,
Just flick me a sideways glance,
A sardonic little smile.
“What gets you through the day, my dear?
What would you do for the warmth of another body?”

Anything, you know
Anything, you’d know
Anything, but you know…
But now there’s just a dead little silence left
Hovering near the roof of the car.

Nothing left to say now, is there?

That song was made for you and me
And he said he couldn’t stand how we’d post the lyrics to it,
Only the good parts, as if that was what our relationship was like
As if we didn’t abuse the fuck out of each other
As if we weren’t dragging each other down to hell.

And I kissed your forehead as you slept, worry creasing your brow
Knew that would be the only reprieve either of us got
Before the madness took over & we’d be back at the beginning
Isn’t it sad, don’t you think it’s sad how we drove each other so far
So hard, so fast, so real, from the highest altitudes to the lowest depths

‘Cause that’s what it was, real. Touch, touching, any kind of touch-
Whether it’s the initial embrace that precludes any kind of fight
To the destruction of that bed, the windows, everything-
Our refuge turning into a battle scene constantly set on repeat
Broken limbs and spirits, throats hoarse from the screaming

Oh God, the screaming… but you know, nothing was worse
Than the silences that would follow as we’d survey the damage
When we’d pull out the medical kits and pick up the shattered glass
Knock down the loose plaster and throw the ruined pillows away
Put to right what never should have been broken in the first place

As much as people would warn us away from that, babe,
I still wanted you, wanted you, wanted you
Wanted to watch us burn, set the whole world on fire
Breathe in as our lungs turn into ash,
And kill us where we stand.

Oh baby, can’t we
Can’t we go back?

Don’t you know you’re my hero?

(Heroes just for one day, like that song you’d always sing under your breath
As you waited for the screaming to slow down and stop)

There was glory in your eyes,
And no amount of fighting could ever diminish that.
She’s wondering how far she would have to go
Before that spark died forever

We’re nothing, and nothing can help us.

I’m gonna win this sick little game of ours,
And there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

We can be us, just for one day…

You’re a dreamer, don’t you see?
Unbroken windows and fists
No bruises found here, no sir
No nightmares to take you away-

Because you know anything is better than this.

Maybe we’re lying… Then you better not stay.

Oh son, what happened to you
Oh my darling, what the hell
Happened to us why don’t you
Why won’t you look me in the eye

I, I can remember standing by the wall…

What’s wrong honey why the,
Why the fuck are you avoiding me
Hey come back here, what the hell?
Think I’m going to hurt you?

And we kissed, as though nothing can fall.

Then it’s her being pinned against the door,
And he’s whispering, “Why can’t we go back?”
And she’s fighting like a wildcat,
But he’s having none of it

We could be heroes…

“Just close your eyes, baby
Breathe for me just breathe for me
Calm down dammit I’m trying to get through to you
We’re better than all this don’t you see

Though nothing can keep us together, we could steal time…

“Just once more,
Let’s start this twisted dance of ours just once more,
And I promise to God, I’ll come out on top.

Just for one day.

“‘Cause baby,
I think it’s high time we learned
How to really show our love.
No fists. No pain. No tears.
Just us. Come on. Just us.

But we could be safer, just for one day.

“We can do this. We can do this.
There’s still time to fix us.”

Fix us
Fix us

Fix.

Someday, I will teach you the true meaning of pain.

Time.

Give me time.
Nothing more.
Just time.

Trying to be polite about this.
Trying to keep the patience.
Trying to let go of the

There was peace as the
spoon clattered against the
bowl in a distorted rhythm.

“Suitcase is packed.”

She nodded, cupping her hands around the mug for warmth.

“Tell them hello for me.”

“I will.”

Tilted his head upwards and closed his eyes.  Deep breath.
Glimpses of that tree-lined streets and black bicycles
Painted a pretty cherry red.

“Hi, kid.”
“Hi.”
“Doin’ okay?”

“Nope.”
“Well, that’s fine.”
Yeah, that’s just fine.

Doesn’t the stress break you apart?
Don’t you just need, just one moment,
Don’t you need

The chair protested, screeching against the linoleum as he stood.

“Blue always was your color, sweetheart.”

Stared at the worn patch in the floor.

“Don’t want to hear your voice right now.”

Inhaled at the door as it closed behind him
Wondered what kind of stage presence
He’d have, when he finally opened up

Contemplated telling him the truth.
Laughed at the thought, let it pass.
He was better off not knowing.

Figured me out, knew me, saw right through me.
Held her eyes as he strummed the guitar,
Listening to her as the words poured out.

Flung her arms wide, spun against the ice.  Laughing.
And you looked so beautiful then, backlit against the streetlights.
Felt my throat close up at the sight of you.

I was reflected in a myriad of ways in your eyes.
I wanted just one of them to be worth it.
I wanted so much, so much.

Life is about taking chances.
It’s not always the mornings that count.
Shouldn’t let those regrets get to you.

Hey.
Maybe you should let go for once.
Live for yourself.  It’s not hard to.

Autumn moonlight
Traces of starlight
Clouds stretched across the sky

Just give me your silences
And none of the pain.
No.  Don’t speak.

Lace, wool, cotton. 
Freezing cold fingertips.
Took a bow, said her piece.

So.  I made a world with you,
built out of sunshine and sand castles,
oceans and mists and rain, all of nature’s glory.

And I was okay with taking it apart.  Prying it loose.
I was okay with removing every pebble, stone, rock, boulder,
Every single dusty brick, with scraping away the mortar and cement.

I was okay with standing there
and watching the ocean as it retreated.

I was okay with reaching over and running my hand down each row until
nothing was left but darkness.  And all the spaces grew wider as everything
that once filled them was taken away.  And I’m okay with that.  I am, I am.

I want you to stop lying to yourself.  Were you really?
Or was it something that needed to happen?
Either way, it’s over with and done.

Relenting, letting it go, walking away. 
Relinquishing my hold, casting off
the feelings of incomprehension
Retreating back into myself.

And letting go of the idea of you
Didn’t want to.  Didn’t want to.
Still don’t.

There’s still time for the recovery
There’s still time for the pain
Still time for the crying.

You always did make things too complicated.

———-

It’s been a year and five months since I wrote this. 
We haven’t spoken since last March.
Sometimes I wonder how you are.
It’s enough to know you’re still breathing, I guess.
It’s probably best we don’t speak anymore.
I still miss you

Next time you feel the need to cut someone out of your life, at least have the decency to give them a phone call or see them face-to-face.

A Facebook message just doesn’t cut it, pal.

——

You walked away. I’m not letting you look back.
I’m not letting you say, “I’m sorry, let me back in…”
because you lost that chance the moment you told me goodbye.
(No, I won’t miss you. I can’t. I won’t.)

You’re so tense.
Breathe, won’t you?
It’s okay, hey.  Your hands are trembling.

Why did you leave
me
why

I will tear the wallpaper off the walls of my mind
scream out everything so the words won’t vibrate inside my ribcage
and unhinge my heart from its precarious position

You said you’d never go
oh but I know what’s it like
to be so hurt you have to- have to- have to leave

so it’s goodbye, is it.
it’s goodbye, isn’t it.
it’s goodbye.

sorry

I’d light all your photographs on fire,
Break everything into prisms of light,
Just to feel your eyes on me again.

I’d destroy any evidence of you.
Tear up all the letters I ever wrote,
Delete every text message I ever sent,
Just to have the heat of your arms around me.

I’ll never again say your name in quite that way
With that involuntary rising inflection
That showcases all of my doubts

If it meant anything to you, I’d tell you the truth.
I’d give you everything I’m incapable of giving.
But the time for mutual trust is long gone,
And I know it wasn’t there to begin with.

I stare into the corners of the room,
Wonder when you’ll come down to me,
And see what I see in this world.

So, I promised you your complete destruction at my hands
Because the full realization of my inevitable cruelty
Was almost as bittersweet as the first kiss you gave,
Pressed possessively against the side of my throat.

Now, you’re finding peace in your pain,
And I’m finding solace in all the words
I never told you, all the hurtful things
That never escaped the prison of my mind.

We both know I’ve done more than enough to you.
And if the lies I breathed ever found their freedom,
You forgiveness would run free as well, and find a path
That would never lead back to me.

I want to whisper
Yeah, and what makes you so special
That you’d whisper thoughts of suicide
Through the phone line

I wanted you to fully understand
Exactly how cruel I am
And how easy it is
For me to destroy you.

So don’t give me your weaknesses, dear
Don’t give me your vulnerability
Because I have no hesitation
In tearing you apart.

Now you’ll understand my meaning
When I tell you, “You’re oblivious.”
It’s true.  You remind me of me.
Too caught up in your own pain.

So be careful how you step, darling
Be wary of what words you say
Each one feels like a hand grenade

And you’re hardly aware
No, you’re never aware
You’re hardly aware
Of what the meaning of pain is
When you place it in my hands.

I don’t want to empathize.
I don’t want to be the one to listen.
It’s hard for you to see exactly
How much you depend on me.

And I hate the fact
That I
want to hold you
in that bed
And make you
warm
again.

(even though I have him now)
I still want to make you feel
loved
again.

I will break you, darling.

But you know, it’ll build you up.  It’ll make you stronger.

So when you curse me out for your broken heart,

Know I did it for you.