will you be the answer to my dreams?
‘cause, boy, I can hardly fall asleep
without thinking of you.
Where’s my peace, babe?
Where’s the lack of lonely nights?
Where’s my heart, babe?
Give it back, why won’t you give it back to me?
Or did you even keep it at all?
Honey, why won’t you leave me alone
Why am I always haunting you
Like some lonely ghost,
Leaving a message for no one at all?
You’re still ingrained into my subconscious
A beautiful phantom, colored by regret
And I know you won’t be back
But sometimes it’s too hard to remember that
So all I’m left with are these memories
That are fading to grey scale, black and white
While he paints the colors of my new life
Along the ridges of my heart
Until I am whole again.
Dec. 22nd, 2011
Why did we have to part ways?
It’s something I’ll never understand
‘Cause all I wanted was
To walk beside you
Just a few miles more.
Just a few miles more.
Just a few miles more.
Only a few miles … .
Don’t dream of you.
Beautiful little fool.
Let your tempting die.
You found me, didn’t you?
Isn’t there any truth to be found in that?
Why didn’t our story start the day we met?
why did your kiss taste like blood
Too many questions, I guess.
It’s almost a shame
you aren’t here
to answer them.
So I’m sitting here wondering
Isn’t that all it ever was, sitting and wondering
How - God! - how I could promise…
Promises, those neat little packages that kids lived by
Wrapped in brightly-lit paper and summer afternoons buried in the long grass…
Solemn little vows whispered as long-standing proclamations that would never die-
You know I promised I’d love you always
And it’s a curious little puzzle:
Any remainder of that love only serves to strengthen his insecurity about my loyalty
But wouldn’t the fading of my love for you render any declaration made to him ultimately untrue?
hey babe, I-
I don’t know anymore.
And you aren’t around to care.
Give me time.
Trying to be polite about this.
Trying to keep the patience.
Trying to let go of the
There was peace as the
spoon clattered against the
bowl in a distorted rhythm.
“Suitcase is packed.”
She nodded, cupping her hands around the mug for warmth.
“Tell them hello for me.”
Tilted his head upwards and closed his eyes. Deep breath.
Glimpses of that tree-lined streets and black bicycles
Painted a pretty cherry red.
“Well, that’s fine.”
Yeah, that’s just fine.
Doesn’t the stress break you apart?
Don’t you just need, just one moment,
Don’t you need
The chair protested, screeching against the linoleum as he stood.
“Blue always was your color, sweetheart.”
Stared at the worn patch in the floor.
“Don’t want to hear your voice right now.”
Inhaled at the door as it closed behind him
Wondered what kind of stage presence
He’d have, when he finally opened up
Contemplated telling him the truth.
Laughed at the thought, let it pass.
He was better off not knowing.
Figured me out, knew me, saw right through me.
Held her eyes as he strummed the guitar,
Listening to her as the words poured out.
Flung her arms wide, spun against the ice. Laughing.
And you looked so beautiful then, backlit against the streetlights.
Felt my throat close up at the sight of you.
I was reflected in a myriad of ways in your eyes.
I wanted just one of them to be worth it.
I wanted so much, so much.
Life is about taking chances.
It’s not always the mornings that count.
Shouldn’t let those regrets get to you.
Maybe you should let go for once.
Live for yourself. It’s not hard to.
Traces of starlight
Clouds stretched across the sky
Just give me your silences
And none of the pain.
No. Don’t speak.
Lace, wool, cotton.
Freezing cold fingertips.
Took a bow, said her piece.
So. I made a world with you,
built out of sunshine and sand castles,
oceans and mists and rain, all of nature’s glory.
And I was okay with taking it apart. Prying it loose.
I was okay with removing every pebble, stone, rock, boulder,
Every single dusty brick, with scraping away the mortar and cement.
I was okay with standing there
and watching the ocean as it retreated.
I was okay with reaching over and running my hand down each row until
nothing was left but darkness. And all the spaces grew wider as everything
that once filled them was taken away. And I’m okay with that. I am, I am.
I want you to stop lying to yourself. Were you really?
Or was it something that needed to happen?
Either way, it’s over with and done.
Relenting, letting it go, walking away.
Relinquishing my hold, casting off
the feelings of incomprehension
Retreating back into myself.
And letting go of the idea of you
Didn’t want to. Didn’t want to.
There’s still time for the recovery
There’s still time for the pain
Still time for the crying.
You always did make things too complicated.
It’s been a year and five months since I wrote this.
We haven’t spoken since last March.
Sometimes I wonder how you are.
It’s enough to know you’re still breathing, I guess.
It’s probably best we don’t speak anymore.
I still miss you
the indifference between us is as unimaginable
as the space in the bedsheets
between our cooling bodies.
I’d light all your photographs on fire,
Break everything into prisms of light,
Just to feel your eyes on me again.
I’d destroy any evidence of you.
Tear up all the letters I ever wrote,
Delete every text message I ever sent,
Just to have the heat of your arms around me.
I’ll never again say your name in quite that way
With that involuntary rising inflection
That showcases all of my doubts
If it meant anything to you, I’d tell you the truth.
I’d give you everything I’m incapable of giving.
But the time for mutual trust is long gone,
And I know it wasn’t there to begin with.
I stare into the corners of the room,
Wonder when you’ll come down to me,
And see what I see in this world.
So, I promised you your complete destruction at my hands
Because the full realization of my inevitable cruelty
Was almost as bittersweet as the first kiss you gave,
Pressed possessively against the side of my throat.
Now, you’re finding peace in your pain,
And I’m finding solace in all the words
I never told you, all the hurtful things
That never escaped the prison of my mind.
We both know I’ve done more than enough to you.
And if the lies I breathed ever found their freedom,
You forgiveness would run free as well, and find a path
That would never lead back to me.
Sunlight falling against the bed, lighting up the note you left on my pillow.
all I can see,
first time it was falling
falling with my eyes open
so scared, so scared
and now it’s me
leaping out, eyes open
would you let me follow you
even if I can’t forgive you?
won’t let you be at peace
this is what you’ve done
was the price too high?
was the pain too great?
…did I do this to you?
I will break you, darling.
But you know, it’ll build you up. It’ll make you stronger.
So when you curse me out for your broken heart,
Know I did it for you.