How did it feel, Mom, to know how loved you really were?
Did it feel like what I felt, when everyone came together
To give me all the support and encouragement they could?
Isn’t it nice to know you won’t just be forgotten?
Isn’t it nice to know worlds rocked when you
Left us for a better place?
Isn’t it nice
To be loved?
You’ll always be loved.
you’re so considerate
of my limitations
that I don’t
I want you to know
how much I adore you
you’re simply wonderful.
and if there ever comes a day
where we must part ways,
don’t forget this:
you’re a lovely human being,
and any person lucky enough
to be your significant other
better treat you with the
amount of love and respect
you give to me every day.
there’s no one better
A Look Inside
A man once told me my mind intrigued and frightened him. I’d have to agree.
My mind is a place I’ve found myself retreating to more and more ever since the last few months of being seventeen. A series of deaths dropped me into that realm with no warning, and I realized after a while it was harder to go than it was to stay.
Thus began my interaction emotional extremes. I’ve mentioned before that grief has a way of dulling you, yet it sharpens your senses and emotions to an almost unbearable clarity.
Let’s think of melodrama. Exaggerated actions, a full range of facial expressions, superfluous gesture… I experienced that all from within my shell of depression, which crushed my external indicators of emotion to just a poker face and deep, intense crying.
It was terribly disorienting. I couldn’t stand it after a while. I just wanted the whole world to go away.
More recently, I’ve been better about controlling myself. The emotional excesses are still just as intense, but they’re not quite so frequent. I suppose one could correlate that to my grieving - I’ve discovered that the more time passes, the less raw my emotional states become.
That said, I still experience terrible moments of no control. The anxiety I feel causes my heart to go at a rate I don’t think is possible. The bitterness puts memories and words on repeat in my head until I want to rip my hair out. The sadness pulls at my insides, and it has the smallest of triggers.
The way a girl turns her head.
The twisting of a leaf.
The temperature of a day.
And the rage. Oh, the rage is incomprehensible. I have injured myself during these fits. It’s stupid, I know.
I used to put a fist through glass when I was a child
Two years ago, I’d write messages on my arms in mechanical pencil
Hard enough to leave red for days
And a few weeks ago, I bashed the back of my head into a wall
Because of a girl I hope I never meet.
Stupid… yes. But are there healthier alternative?
I just want to pull back from it. It scares me - the emotional depth of my brain is just insane. It baffles me. I don’t know what to do with it.
And as strange as it is, I never can bring up these emotions on the fly, even if my acting calls for it.
It’s a dilemma. And I still don’t know the answers.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
hello, she said
a little glancing smile
shimmering in my direction
as if it would be my saving grace.
hello, she said
touching little facets in my mind
the only place I’ve known
for the past two-and-a-half years
hello, I say
flinching from the harshness of my voice
as it breaks the silence into
a million little stars.
fireflies in a jar
hummingbirds and roses
regret and desire.
I wish we had never met, my man.
you took my life and shook it clean
leaving just little remnants
of a fading, dying young love.
“But I’m thinking of what Sarah said, that
‘Love is watching someone die.’”
Do I want to die alone?
Do I want to die?
Do I want to?
Do I want
What is love, what is love?
Watched the breath leave,
Felt the heart stop its beat.
Please tell me it’s not love.
Not love, no.
No. No. No.
“Home sweet home”
‘Baby please don’t cry.’
Oh darling, it’s too much for me.
She’s not here to wipe away my tears
She’s not here to cuddle and rock and croon
She’s not, but I know you are. I’ll try to stay for you.
Months bleeding into the pavement
Spreading out slowly like a stain against my soul
Hello I am pretending
Hello I am
[darling no please don’t speak]
[I don’t want to be the one, no]
[please I swear I-]
[please I swear]
I AM NOT BROKEN
DO YOU HEAR ME
I AM ME I AM ME I-
i’m not broken don’t you see
all i did was lose an integral
part of me
but she’s here
he told me, she’s
in my heart. right here.
he touched me
right here, he said.
so the tears came, right
the wet and the breath
then i could breathe
and i was alright
i was okay
I was ok
Six letters you’ll never lay eyes on.
Seventeen poems dedicated to your name.
Pages of questions and affirmations and vows
Tentative promises and aloof bitterness
Memories of all the good times.
They could question my sanity
As they leaf through all the pages;
They could write me off as obsessed.
And I suppose I am; you’re the first one
Who’s allowed me to see things can work
Two people can fit together rather nicely,
Despite the flaws and quirks and fears;
That maybe love could exist for me,
That I could have a happy ending.
So I guess I will continue to write all this,
Voicing my thoughts and doubts and opinions.
And though the past can, does, and will haunt me,
I think it’s enough to know you would still stay
And maybe let me find peace with you.
Aug. 26th, 2011
Shock. That is what spring left you on your doorstep.
So what was summer to you?
Fall had you crying tears of rage and pooling your pain,
And winter brought you crazed grief and melted snow.
Then it was spring again.
And forgiveness, almost -
(couldn’t forgive him, no matter how hard you tried)
But no, there was no happiness.
There wasn’t an end to it. No… not yet.
Still a river to cross, a tunnel to escape from, a mountain to climb…
Beginning of summer,
The thought of pain, resting lightly against the corners of your room
Haunting you, following you, whispering seductive promises of rest.
So what did you do?
Fought it, right. One year of inactivity, passively accepting death. Now, no more.
So you drew. And signed. Wrote. Read. Spoke Japanese, ‘cause you needed to, and you could.
Got back on DA.
Let’s contemplate it.
Calm down, take a breather, stop a while.
Listen to the world around you.
Find your peace.
Tell him he makes you happy.
Tell him, period.
‘Cause that red-headed boy in grey
Found a new wreck to work on
One that won’t blow up in his face
So just let him drift away
Let yourself move on.
Give up, let go.
This life wants you to follow
So you might as well run the race while you can
And hold tight to contentment when you find it
Because it’s something truly special.
Don’t forget that.
(You’ll be okay)
This is what happiness feels like.
(You’ll be alright)
Feels like home.
(You’ll be fine)
Home sweet home.
Moments - Aug. 21st, 2011
It’s so strange to be sitting here looking back on everything.
So tell me, what do I do when I’m faced with a choice to make
And the only answers lead to more hurt?
It’s so odd sitting here writing this, because I’d promised myself I wouldn’t
Because look what it did the first time
Do you see what I’ve done
But look at me now
Tell me what you see
Is it a girl
Is she happy
Is she smiling at you?
That smile you said you loved so much?
What do you see when you close your eyes? Imprints of the ceiling you were just staring at? Or memories that have seared themselves into your mind and soul?
Is there still pain?
Are you still
But what if I told you
Tell me, what would your answer be?
Sunday afternoon, it’s 3:59 and you’re all I can see.
Come back to me.
Only, I know it’s too late now.
Too late now
But that’s okay now,
It’s okay now
Will you do this one last thing for me?
A promise I know you can’t keep
But make it for me anyways
A little pinky vow
To stay close to life
And find her, please
Find the girl who will give you
The peace you’ve tried to find
For so long…
That girl ain’t me.
He stared ahead and breathed rapidly. His hands were slung over the edge of his chair arms, and every few seconds, blood would form and drip down his fingers.
There were so many promises I couldn’t keep.
He reached for the bottle, swung his head back and let the burning liquid surge down his throat. Below him, his dog whined.
I’ll kill them for you. I know you were a pacifist, and I know you never want blood to be spilled, but babe, they murdered you. They murdered you and you expect me to just stay back? You’re not here to hold me back. My one control is gone. You were my sedative.
But I can still hear your voice in my head, Charlie. I loved you, did you know that?
He sat there and considered. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…
How many past lives have I lived with you? You were my brother-in-arms.
My life was finished the instant you died. Please just let me go. Just let me leave. Life is moving double-time now, and I can’t stand it. I’m an old man now, Charlie. An old, old man. And I’m tired.
Thirty-six bullet holes, Charles. I kissed every single one. Those men are going to die for killing you. Then I’ll meet you on the other side. Will you be waiting by that old oak tree?
Just let me do this for you. Just let me commit one last act in your name. Then I’ll be good, Charlie. I have the rest of my life to make up for this. I’ll avenge you, then I’ll die peacefully. I’ll scatter thirty-six roses, one for every bullet that marred your body.
Give me some peace, when the effort
To breathe is too much to bear. Still, it
Feels like there’s too much to this world,
Too many fragmentary pieces, golden-gray.
A thin film of blue threads through your skin,
A reminder that it’s hard to surrender
When the flags are raised, the trumpets blown,
Battle lines drawn in black and inked in red.
Let me wither away, turn to dust through the brain
Take me away, take me away, take me. And I can’t,
Can’t let you walk away from this with no punishment,
When will you understand that the consequences
Will always catch up to you? Always, always.
There’s sense to this beautiful madness,
Ribbons fluttering against metal,
I’m closing this down, falling away,
Wading between your lies and the truth.
I can’t explain myself clearly, can’t you understand?
I give it all up to you, throw down my weapon.
A single touch, so soft I could feel the vibrations
On the air as your heart shatters into light.
Forget what’s been said, just drop your gun
And please, let’s sort this out. Please.
And it’s not enough to let you know
That I understand. Let me erase this.
Remember when we held it in our cupped palms?
Pressing secrets into skin, it was what clung to us
Like the early morning webs of dew, a soft widening
Pretend this was something
Far more than what was really there.
Power sifts languidly from your fingertips,
Blocking us from the outside world.
And as you promise me your destruction,
The shadows under your eyes deepen to purple.
And I tell you this as the arrows fly overhead;
This life we’ve been living can go on no more.
Take my hand one last time tonight and put
All of this to right. And when morning comes,
We will be long gone, crossing the boundaries
Between hatred and love. And when morning
Comes, our time will be up, so please.
Set me free.
Your sternum rises
and falls, caved in
by the weight
of failure -
to a violated heart
The bones in your wrists
grow more prominent by the day,
and I wonder just how far you’ll go
before you waste away.
While denial forces me to
press a finger to your lips
as you try to say goodbye
for a second time, now the third.
I know your words will haunt me
like secrets whispered on the barely-broken air,
while I strive to to take the credit
and you struggle to take the blame
When the wondering is over
when the mystery is spent,
when we’re getting sick and tired
of this, where would that leave us?
Three days ago at the
exact same moment,
we realized it couldn’t last.
and that leaves us with nothing
Nothing but memories and
regrets, I guess. Would you
take my words of apology
for hurting you
And fold them into
little origami cranes,
snow-white doves with
& let them drift into the inner boundaries of
your ribcage, where they will rest heavy
like the stones I pressed into your palm
when I said, “I love you” for the first time.
I wanted to fall into friendship way too fast
To be able to walk under the same umbrella,
Go to the store to buy souring milk with you,
And argue over who was paying for it.
I wanted to shop at different thrift stores
Ponder antiques and bargains, cross over
Cobblestones and arrive home, out of breath,
Safe and sound, while the rain slows down.
I wanted to take your hand and run
Run as far and as fast as I could
Just for the heck of it, just to get
A thrill, a buzz, an endorphin rush.
I wanted to dance out on the porch
With nothing but laughter, joy,
and a yellow harvest moon
As our accompaniment
I wanted to find your picture in a photo album
And have you by my side so we could marvel
At how we’ve both changed over the years
With rowdy kids and rowdier dogs all around
I wanted to be able to share stories of our exploits
To people thirty years down the line, to find wisdom
And revelations in each retelling as they laugh and joke
With the smell of rosemary lying heavy on the air
I wanted to be able to tell your every mood,
To pick apart each nuance and sentence
Until I arrive at the heart of the problem
And perhaps find ways to help you solve it
I wanted to trace the avenues of your ribs
Just to find that one spot where you’d shriek
And collapse into helpless convulsions of laughter.
Why yes, I am cruel. I thought you knew this already?
But instead, I watch the leaves turn magnificent colors
And ponder the passing of another season without you,
While the weather turns colder (warmer) colder again
And the driving rains fill the streets with icy puddles.
Life without you isn’t so bad, I just wish you’d come home
Just once, come back, just once, come back to see your old friends
Come back and see me, so I can update you on this small-town life
With all its convoluted complexities and incomprehensible ties.
Come back so I can see how much you’ve grown over the years.
Come back because I miss you, I need you, you’re all I think about
Because you were my first friend and the only one who understood
And I miss the good times together. I miss the slumber parties.
I miss the nights spent on the hood of that old Chevy pick-up truck
Identifying stars and satellites and sharing stories about our peers
I miss the way you’d make hot chocolate in a pan on the stove
Burning your fingers so many times it was almost laughable.
So hey, don’t forget me. I’m still here, waiting for you.
If you don’t want to come back, it’s okay. It really is.
We had our time together, and it was the time of my life.
And believe me when I say this: I’ll always treasure you.