just be over, I told yesterday
just be over and let me breathe relief
but I woke up to today
and for some reason, it was worse
and it’s not that I miss you
you didn’t even cross my mind.
little lies come as I stare at my phone
waiting for time to leave me.
I think it was the feeling
of her arms around me
hands against my back
as I breathe her in and cry
I never did want them to see me like that.
I told you, emotional extremes were never my thing.
but perhaps this was a bit beyond my control
just like you. just like you.
my rage won’t let me apologize
and as I scream curse words to the ceiling of my car,
I can see how easy it is to break down and
admit you were right.
You were right.
And I… I was wrong.
But you’ll never know.
No, you’ll never know
Just what this did to me.
I think it’s interesting how I can write a phrase in a story or poem, only to find it come to life a year later - so when I look back on my work, there’s a new significance there I never dreamed of when first writing it.
you’re so considerate
of my limitations
that I don’t
I want you to know
how much I adore you
you’re simply wonderful.
and if there ever comes a day
where we must part ways,
don’t forget this:
you’re a lovely human being,
and any person lucky enough
to be your significant other
better treat you with the
amount of love and respect
you give to me every day.
there’s no one better
the more weight I lose,
the more easily I bruise.
hello, she said
a little glancing smile
shimmering in my direction
as if it would be my saving grace.
hello, she said
touching little facets in my mind
the only place I’ve known
for the past two-and-a-half years
hello, I say
flinching from the harshness of my voice
as it breaks the silence into
a million little stars.
fireflies in a jar
hummingbirds and roses
regret and desire.
I wish we had never met, my man.
you took my life and shook it clean
leaving just little remnants
of a fading, dying young love.
“But I’m thinking of what Sarah said, that
‘Love is watching someone die.’”
Do I want to die alone?
Do I want to die?
Do I want to?
Do I want
What is love, what is love?
Watched the breath leave,
Felt the heart stop its beat.
Please tell me it’s not love.
Not love, no.
No. No. No.
“Home sweet home”
‘Baby please don’t cry.’
Oh darling, it’s too much for me.
She’s not here to wipe away my tears
She’s not here to cuddle and rock and croon
She’s not, but I know you are. I’ll try to stay for you.
Months bleeding into the pavement
Spreading out slowly like a stain against my soul
Hello I am pretending
Hello I am
[darling no please don’t speak]
[I don’t want to be the one, no]
[please I swear I-]
[please I swear]
I AM NOT BROKEN
DO YOU HEAR ME
I AM ME I AM ME I-
i’m not broken don’t you see
all i did was lose an integral
part of me
but she’s here
he told me, she’s
in my heart. right here.
he touched me
right here, he said.
so the tears came, right
the wet and the breath
then i could breathe
and i was alright
i was okay
I was ok
September 24th, 2011, 10:32 PM.
I broke this down
traced the lies to their origins
breaking the boundaries where they lay.
breaking, breaking, gone.
cruel of me, isn’t it
when will I learn, eh?
hey, hey, I still love you
and I know you love me too.
now tell me how much of a lie that was,
and we’ll laugh together
take our drinks as one
throw them back ‘til only words remain
so hey, babe
gonna be a lonely night tonight
so you better get home soon
get back to your new lover
find comfort in warm arms
while I stare out the window
rolling wineglasses across the floor
sure, I’m okay.
smiling at you, aren’t I?
is it so wrong for me
to invite you over for a drink?
don’t answer that, baby.
just take your coat and go
like I said, it’s getting late
might as well go while you still can
because I have the awful feeling
that, with the alcohol burning through me,
I’m gonna end up saying those three words
leaving you to reject me again.
won’t you stay?
you were mine…
(wasn’t I yours?)
what the hell
happened to us?
I miss you.
There’s something so beautifully sad about you
Maybe it’s the way you wear your self when people are around
The subtle tightening of your boundaries whenever someone brushes too close
And as I watch you, I wonder if you’d call the love you gave a waste
Because there was an end to it, a breakdown that you could have never foreseen.
And when it’s three in the morning and you’re crying like you will never stop
Wishing so ardently you could take back everything you ever said
Feeling like you’d give anything at all to feel their arms around you
Just one more time, just once more is that too much to…?
Hey, I wish I could hold you. I wish I could take all that pain away.
I wish I could wipe away your tears and whisper, “Shh, shh, shh.”
Sometimes people come back. Sometimes goodbye isn’t forever.
Where’s the hope, you whisper. What’s the point?
Darling, if I knew that, you’d be the first to know.
And yeah you know it’s true
I was a demon to you
Someone who could say
With no hesitation
Yeah, I was ill when it came to you
I was really unwell
And maybe some part of me will always be
Sort of twisted, just a bit sick
Because that’s what I was when you came along
And that’s what I was when you left
Some fragment of myself
Just waiting for me to become whole again.
A vivid imagination can extinguish a weakened soul.
Realizations like that taste so bitter at four in the morning,
When nothing’s there to comfort me except walls and a ceiling
No body to turn to, nobody at all - Just me and my damned mind.
Let it go slowly; closed eyes, inhaling as I imagine the
Silent cab ride, the long, resigned wait at the airport
The crappy food, the exhausted flight attendants
And the inexorable speed at which you leave.
What ties you to others, my dear?
What breaks the bonds you forge so strongly?
When will the ways of the world and of man break you in?
When will you understand that emotion is as elastic and as sharp as
The first exposure you get to final mornings and overflowing suitcases;
The simple realization that you are only one person, struggling to
Make sense of a world that is soon no longer yours to possess?
There’s another muted silence before the radiator kicks on,
And I’m stuck with the acidic taste of your parting words.
Guess there’s really nothing left for me here now.
Just your afterimage, imprinted against my skin.
My reality takes the form
Of tentative little scrawls
Straggling down the page.
You’re just a blur in this lifetime of clarity.
I want to slow dance in the dark
As close as we can get to each other
Until the moment dies its slow death
And we’re left with just our breath.
Then I’ll take our hands
And cradle that ember
Until it sparks back to life
And when it lights up your face
I’ll fall in love all over again.
We walk until the sun falls out of our eyes.
Then we cross the wooden floor, glowing
In the shifting afternoon light.
And they sound out,
Lonely against the lawn.
My palms are pressed
Against the piano rim.
You are against the wall,
So you can feel the vibrations
Of each ring.
I catch your eye and tell you,
“You should have never happened.”
All you do is smile, weary.
“We should have never happened, my dear.
But will that change anything?”
You taught me scales in minor and major,
Chords echoing the bells as they chime.
I push my memories into your back,
Until they’re tattooed on your skin,
And there’s nothing but warmth left.
Nine. Ten. Eleven.
Then you take my hand again and I-
I wake up with your name on my lips,
Muffled against his pillow before he wakes.
Written January 22nd, 2012
The Egret Heart
Stood there in that room,
Hand covered in the dust that came off the doorknob
Little glass hearts broken underfoot
Hung your heart
With a phone line
out to dry
Half-burned fragments written in that old familiar hand
Slanted “I love you”s and “please keep all your promises” and
Still legible in the dying light
Urging you to find your own meaning
To find your own soul, to find your own way
Telling you it’s one step closer, just don’t give up-
There’s something almost laughable about all this, you think,
As you navigate towards the window
Because it was him who whispered,
“what is love” to your shoulder
Back when he believed you could spin worlds and words together
Making up mountains and truths and beauty
Back when he still had faith to give.
But now there’s nothing here but remnants
A broken-bladed fan, stained blinds,
And an echo of his voice: “Don’t be afraid to change.”
I dream of a red car
With a rusted hood
And you there in the passenger seat,
Staring out the rain-smeared window,
Counting all the passing taillights.
I want to say,
“Look at me.
You know that bed?
All the hours wasted in it,
It’s still calling out to me.
How I longed for it,
Used it as an escape,
Did what I told myself I’d never-“
Little lies, layering on top of each other.
I whisper to the windshield,
“Please tell me
What would you do
To not be alone.
You don’t answer at first,
Just flick me a sideways glance,
A sardonic little smile.
“What gets you through the day, my dear?
What would you do for the warmth of another body?”
Anything, you know
Anything, you’d know
Anything, but you know…
But now there’s just a dead little silence left
Hovering near the roof of the car.
Nothing left to say now, is there?
Day breaking again
Shattering you into a thousand more reasons
Not to go, not to stay
All I’m wishing for is someone to take me far away
From here, from here…
I wake up and there’s the ceiling
Walls of monotonous grey
And I’m left to walk out the door
Take the keys, pretend I won’t look
Into my side mirrors until our place
Fades out of sight.
And oh, you know,
The silence still shames me.
Trying your hardest to hold a conversation
When all I’m interested in is being gone.
Is this what it feels like?
Closing the door on all you’ve built?
You’re just another person to lose
And it’s so sad, so sad.
So I just let the lane lines whip by
Staring towards where the sunlight lies
Wind blowing my tears dry
Drowning out the last words you cried.