Hmm... ♡

hello.

hello, she said
a little glancing smile
shimmering in my direction
as if it would be my saving grace.

hello, she said
touching little facets in my mind
the only place I’ve known
for the past two-and-a-half years

hello, I say
flinching from the harshness of my voice
as it breaks the silence into
a million little stars.

hello, hello.
fireflies in a jar
hummingbirds and roses
regret and desire.

hello.
I wish we had never met, my man.
you took my life and shook it clean
leaving just little remnants

of a fading, dying young love.

“But I’m thinking of what Sarah said, that
‘Love is watching someone die.’”

Do I want to die alone?
Do I want to die?
Do I want to?
Do I want
Do I
Do

What is love, what is love?
Watched the breath leave,
Felt the heart stop its beat.
Please tell me it’s not love.

Oh, no.
Not love, no.
No. No. No.
Please.
God?
Mom,
God, I-
Mother, what-
“Home sweet home”

‘Baby please don’t cry.’
Oh darling, it’s too much for me.
She’s not here to wipe away my tears
She’s not here to cuddle and rock and croon
She’s not, but I know you are. I’ll try to stay for you.

Months bleeding into the pavement
Spreading out slowly like a stain against my soul

Hello I am pretending
Hello I am
hello?

[darling no please don’t speak]
[I don’t want to be the one, no]
[please I swear I-]
[please I swear]
[please]

BROKEN//GONE=YOUR MIND
BROKEN—— NO!
I AM NOT BROKEN
DO YOU HEAR ME
I AM ME I AM ME I-

i’m not broken don’t you see
all i did was lose an integral
part of me

but she’s here
he told me, she’s
here
in my heart. right here.
he touched me
right here, he said.
right. here.

so the tears came, right
the wet and the breath
then i could breathe
and i was alright
i was okay
I was ok
i was
me.

Six letters you’ll never lay eyes on.
Seventeen poems dedicated to your name.
Pages of questions and affirmations and vows
Tentative promises and aloof bitterness
Memories of all the good times.

They could question my sanity
As they leaf through all the pages;
They could write me off as obsessed.
And I suppose I am; you’re the first one
Who’s allowed me to see things can work
Two people can fit together rather nicely,
Despite the flaws and quirks and fears;
That maybe love could exist for me,
That I could have a happy ending.

So I guess I will continue to write all this,
Voicing my thoughts and doubts and opinions.
And though the past can, does, and will haunt me,
I think it’s enough to know you would still stay
And maybe let me find peace with you.

Aug. 26th, 2011

Shock. That is what spring left you on your doorstep.
So what was summer to you?
Hell.
Fall had you crying tears of rage and pooling your pain,
And winter brought you crazed grief and melted snow.

Then it was spring again.
And hope
And love
And forgiveness, almost -
(couldn’t forgive him, no matter how hard you tried)


But no, there was no happiness.
Not yet.
There wasn’t an end to it. No… not yet.
Still a river to cross, a tunnel to escape from, a mountain to climb…

Beginning of summer,
The thought of pain, resting lightly against the corners of your room
Haunting you, following you, whispering seductive promises of rest.

So what did you do?
Fought it, right. One year of inactivity, passively accepting death. Now, no more.
So you drew. And signed. Wrote. Read. Spoke Japanese, ‘cause you needed to, and you could.
Got back on DA.

Found him.

So, happiness.
Let’s contemplate it.
Embrace it.
Taste it.
Face it.

Calm down, take a breather, stop a while.
Listen to the world around you.
Find your peace.

Tell him he makes you happy.
Tell him, period.

‘Cause that red-headed boy in grey
Found a new wreck to work on
One that won’t blow up in his face

So just let him drift away
Let yourself move on.
Give up, let go.
Be free.

This life wants you to follow
So you might as well run the race while you can
And hold tight to contentment when you find it
Because it’s something truly special.

Don’t forget that.
(You’ll be okay)
This is what happiness feels like.
(You’ll be alright)
Feels like home.
(You’ll be fine)
Home sweet home.

Moments - Aug. 21st, 2011 

It’s so strange to be sitting here looking back on everything.

So tell me, what do I do when I’m faced with a choice to make
And the only answers lead to more hurt?

It’s so odd sitting here writing this, because I’d promised myself I wouldn’t
Because look what it did the first time
Do you see what I’ve done

But look at me now
Tell me what you see

Is it a girl
Is she happy

Is she smiling at you?
That smile you said you loved so much?

What do you see when you close your eyes? Imprints of the ceiling you were just staring at? Or memories that have seared themselves into your mind and soul?

Is there still pain?
Are you still
crying
for me?

But what if I told you
“hey boy,
I’m okay
are you?”

Tell me, what would your answer be?

Sunday afternoon, it’s 3:59 and you’re all I can see.

Come back to me.

Only, I know it’s too late now.
Too late now
Too late

But that’s okay now,
It’s okay now
It’s alright…

Will you do this one last thing for me?
A promise I know you can’t keep
But make it for me anyways
A little pinky vow
To stay close to life

And find her, please
Find the girl who will give you
The peace you’ve tried to find
For so long…

‘Cause baby,
That girl ain’t me.

Ceasefire.

Give me some peace, when the effort
To breathe is too much to bear.  Still, it
Feels like there’s too much to this world,
Too many fragmentary pieces, golden-gray.

A thin film of blue threads through your skin,
A reminder that it’s hard to surrender
When the flags are raised, the trumpets blown,
Battle lines drawn in black and inked in red.

Let me wither away, turn to dust through the brain
Take me away, take me away, take me.  And I can’t,
Can’t let you walk away from this with no punishment,
When will you understand that the consequences
Will always catch up to you?  Always, always.

There’s sense to this beautiful madness,
Ribbons fluttering against metal,
I’m closing this down, falling away,
Wading between your lies and the truth.
I can’t explain myself clearly, can’t you understand?

I give it all up to you, throw down my weapon.
A single touch, so soft I could feel the vibrations
On the air as your heart shatters into light.  
Forget what’s been said, just drop your gun
And please, let’s sort this out.  Please.

And it’s not enough to let you know
That I understand.  Let me erase this.
Remember when we held it in our cupped palms?
Pressing secrets into skin, it was what clung to us
Like the early morning webs of dew, a soft widening
Of wings.

So, pretend.
Pretend this was something
Far more than what was really there.
Power sifts languidly from your fingertips,
Blocking us from the outside world.

And as you promise me your destruction,
The shadows under your eyes deepen to purple.  
And I tell you this as the arrows fly overhead;
This life we’ve been living can go on no more.

Take my hand one last time tonight and put
All of this to right.  And when morning comes,
We will be long gone, crossing the boundaries
Between hatred and love.  And when morning
Comes, our time will be up, so please.  
Set me free.

Piccolo.

Your sternum rises
and falls, caved in
by the weight
of failure -

Homages
to a violated heart
depleting itself
of blood.

The bones in your wrists
grow more prominent by the day,
and I wonder just how far you’ll go
before you waste away.

While denial forces me to
press a finger to your lips
as you try to say goodbye
for a second time, now the third.

I know your words will haunt me
like secrets whispered on the barely-broken air,
while I strive to to take the credit
and you struggle to take the blame

When the wondering is over
when the mystery is spent,
when we’re getting sick and tired
of this, where would that leave us?

Three days ago at the
exact same moment,
we realized it couldn’t last.
and that leaves us with nothing

Nothing but memories and
regrets, I guess. Would you
take my words of apology
for hurting you

And fold them into
little origami cranes,
snow-white doves with
ash-tipped wings

& let them drift into the inner boundaries of
your ribcage, where they will rest heavy
like the stones I pressed into your palm
when I said, “I love you” for the first time.

Friendship.

Hey.

I wanted to fall into friendship way too fast
To be able to walk under the same umbrella,
Go to the store to buy souring milk with you,
And argue over who was paying for it.

I wanted to shop at different thrift stores
Ponder antiques and bargains, cross over
Cobblestones and arrive home, out of breath,
Safe and sound, while the rain slows down.

I wanted to take your hand and run
Run as far and as fast as I could
Just for the heck of it, just to get
A thrill, a buzz, an endorphin rush.

I wanted to dance out on the porch
With nothing but laughter, joy,
and a yellow harvest moon
As our accompaniment

I wanted to find your picture in a photo album
And have you by my side so we could marvel
At how we’ve both changed over the years
With rowdy kids and rowdier dogs all around

I wanted to be able to share stories of our exploits
To people thirty years down the line, to find wisdom
And revelations in each retelling as they laugh and joke
With the smell of rosemary lying heavy on the air

I wanted to be able to tell your every mood,
To pick apart each nuance and sentence
Until I arrive at the heart of the problem
And perhaps find ways to help you solve it

I wanted to trace the avenues of your ribs
Just to find that one spot where you’d shriek
And collapse into helpless convulsions of laughter.
Why yes, I am cruel.  I thought you knew this already?

But instead, I watch the leaves turn magnificent colors
And ponder the passing of another season without you,
While the weather turns colder (warmer) colder again
And the driving rains fill the streets with icy puddles.

Life without you isn’t so bad, I just wish you’d come home
Just once, come back, just once, come back to see your old friends
Come back and see me, so I can update you on this small-town life
With all its convoluted complexities and incomprehensible ties.

Come back so I can see how much you’ve grown over the years.
Come back because I miss you, I need you, you’re all I think about
Because you were my first friend and the only one who understood
And I miss the good times together.  I miss the slumber parties.

I miss the nights spent on the hood of that old Chevy pick-up truck
Identifying stars and satellites and sharing stories about our peers
I miss the way you’d make hot chocolate in a pan on the stove
Burning your fingers so many times it was almost laughable.

So hey, don’t forget me.  I’m still here, waiting for you.
If you don’t want to come back, it’s okay.  It really is.
We had our time together, and it was the time of my life.
And believe me when I say this: I’ll always treasure you.

Love,
- Me.

The clock is sitting there, relentlessly ticking onwards
I’m trembling again.

Mentally unstable, snap out of it won’t you?

Traced the ridges of my sternum and wondered why poets depicted the heart as the harbinger of love.
Too many broken hearts left scattered in my wake.  Most of them are my own.

There is something deeply wrong, he whispered into the dead air.

All I do is stare at the ceiling and tick each second off in my head.
Don’t ever make a promise you can’t keep.

I didn’t want to face this.
I kept trying to run from it, see
But the thing no one seems to get is that I
I broke myself the other night

And you’ve got to understand something, my dear
You’d only blame yourself if I told you
The reason I lost trust in you myself
Is because I caused you to leave

And though you came back to me
The act of you going
Broke that little vial in my heart
And caused my hope to drain away.

And when I tried to put it all back
My mind rebelled and told me
If you could leave me now,
Nothing can stop you from leaving again.

September 24th, 2011, 10:32 PM.

I broke this down
traced the lies to their origins
breaking the boundaries where they lay.
breaking, breaking, gone.

cruel of me, isn’t it
when will I learn, eh?
hey, hey, I still love you
and I know you love me too.

now tell me how much of a lie that was,
and we’ll laugh together
take our drinks as one
throw them back ‘til only words remain

so hey, babe
it’s late
gonna be a lonely night tonight
so you better get home soon

get back to your new lover
find comfort in warm arms
while I stare out the window
rolling wineglasses across the floor

sure, I’m okay.
smiling at you, aren’t I?
is it so wrong for me
to invite you over for a drink?

don’t answer that, baby.
just take your coat and go
like I said, it’s getting late
might as well go while you still can

because I have the awful feeling
that, with the alcohol burning through me,
I’m gonna end up saying those three words
leaving you to reject me again.

won’t you stay?

you were mine…
(wasn’t I yours?)
what the hell
happened to us?

I miss you.

There’s something so beautifully sad about you
Maybe it’s the way you wear your self when people are around
The subtle tightening of your boundaries whenever someone brushes too close

And as I watch you, I wonder if you’d call the love you gave a waste
Because there was an end to it, a breakdown that you could have never foreseen.

And when it’s three in the morning and you’re crying like you will never stop
Wishing so ardently you could take back everything you ever said
Feeling like you’d give anything at all to feel their arms around you
Just one more time, just once more is that too much to…?

Hey, I wish I could hold you.  I wish I could take all that pain away.
I wish I could wipe away your tears and whisper, “Shh, shh, shh.”

Sometimes people come back.  Sometimes goodbye isn’t forever.
Where’s the hope, you whisper.  What’s the point?
Darling, if I knew that, you’d be the first to know.