Hmm... ♡

Ceasefire.

Give me some peace, when the effort
To breathe is too much to bear.  Still, it
Feels like there’s too much to this world,
Too many fragmentary pieces, golden-gray.

A thin film of blue threads through your skin,
A reminder that it’s hard to surrender
When the flags are raised, the trumpets blown,
Battle lines drawn in black and inked in red.

Let me wither away, turn to dust through the brain
Take me away, take me away, take me.  And I can’t,
Can’t let you walk away from this with no punishment,
When will you understand that the consequences
Will always catch up to you?  Always, always.

There’s sense to this beautiful madness,
Ribbons fluttering against metal,
I’m closing this down, falling away,
Wading between your lies and the truth.
I can’t explain myself clearly, can’t you understand?

I give it all up to you, throw down my weapon.
A single touch, so soft I could feel the vibrations
On the air as your heart shatters into light.  
Forget what’s been said, just drop your gun
And please, let’s sort this out.  Please.

And it’s not enough to let you know
That I understand.  Let me erase this.
Remember when we held it in our cupped palms?
Pressing secrets into skin, it was what clung to us
Like the early morning webs of dew, a soft widening
Of wings.

So, pretend.
Pretend this was something
Far more than what was really there.
Power sifts languidly from your fingertips,
Blocking us from the outside world.

And as you promise me your destruction,
The shadows under your eyes deepen to purple.  
And I tell you this as the arrows fly overhead;
This life we’ve been living can go on no more.

Take my hand one last time tonight and put
All of this to right.  And when morning comes,
We will be long gone, crossing the boundaries
Between hatred and love.  And when morning
Comes, our time will be up, so please.  
Set me free.

Friendship.

Hey.

I wanted to fall into friendship way too fast
To be able to walk under the same umbrella,
Go to the store to buy souring milk with you,
And argue over who was paying for it.

I wanted to shop at different thrift stores
Ponder antiques and bargains, cross over
Cobblestones and arrive home, out of breath,
Safe and sound, while the rain slows down.

I wanted to take your hand and run
Run as far and as fast as I could
Just for the heck of it, just to get
A thrill, a buzz, an endorphin rush.

I wanted to dance out on the porch
With nothing but laughter, joy,
and a yellow harvest moon
As our accompaniment

I wanted to find your picture in a photo album
And have you by my side so we could marvel
At how we’ve both changed over the years
With rowdy kids and rowdier dogs all around

I wanted to be able to share stories of our exploits
To people thirty years down the line, to find wisdom
And revelations in each retelling as they laugh and joke
With the smell of rosemary lying heavy on the air

I wanted to be able to tell your every mood,
To pick apart each nuance and sentence
Until I arrive at the heart of the problem
And perhaps find ways to help you solve it

I wanted to trace the avenues of your ribs
Just to find that one spot where you’d shriek
And collapse into helpless convulsions of laughter.
Why yes, I am cruel.  I thought you knew this already?

But instead, I watch the leaves turn magnificent colors
And ponder the passing of another season without you,
While the weather turns colder (warmer) colder again
And the driving rains fill the streets with icy puddles.

Life without you isn’t so bad, I just wish you’d come home
Just once, come back, just once, come back to see your old friends
Come back and see me, so I can update you on this small-town life
With all its convoluted complexities and incomprehensible ties.

Come back so I can see how much you’ve grown over the years.
Come back because I miss you, I need you, you’re all I think about
Because you were my first friend and the only one who understood
And I miss the good times together.  I miss the slumber parties.

I miss the nights spent on the hood of that old Chevy pick-up truck
Identifying stars and satellites and sharing stories about our peers
I miss the way you’d make hot chocolate in a pan on the stove
Burning your fingers so many times it was almost laughable.

So hey, don’t forget me.  I’m still here, waiting for you.
If you don’t want to come back, it’s okay.  It really is.
We had our time together, and it was the time of my life.
And believe me when I say this: I’ll always treasure you.

Love,
- Me.

September 24th, 2011, 10:32 PM.

I broke this down
traced the lies to their origins
breaking the boundaries where they lay.
breaking, breaking, gone.

cruel of me, isn’t it
when will I learn, eh?
hey, hey, I still love you
and I know you love me too.

now tell me how much of a lie that was,
and we’ll laugh together
take our drinks as one
throw them back ‘til only words remain

so hey, babe
it’s late
gonna be a lonely night tonight
so you better get home soon

get back to your new lover
find comfort in warm arms
while I stare out the window
rolling wineglasses across the floor

sure, I’m okay.
smiling at you, aren’t I?
is it so wrong for me
to invite you over for a drink?

don’t answer that, baby.
just take your coat and go
like I said, it’s getting late
might as well go while you still can

because I have the awful feeling
that, with the alcohol burning through me,
I’m gonna end up saying those three words
leaving you to reject me again.

won’t you stay?

you were mine…
(wasn’t I yours?)
what the hell
happened to us?

I miss you.

And yeah you know it’s true
I was a demon to you
Someone who could say
With no hesitation
Yeah, I was ill when it came to you
I was really unwell
And maybe some part of me will always be
Sort of twisted, just a bit sick
Because that’s what I was when you came along
And that’s what I was when you left
Some fragment of myself
Just waiting for me to become whole again.

A vivid imagination can extinguish a weakened soul.
Realizations like that taste so bitter at four in the morning,
When nothing’s there to comfort me except walls and a ceiling
No body to turn to, nobody at all - Just me and my damned mind.

Let it go slowly; closed eyes, inhaling as I imagine the
Silent cab ride, the long, resigned wait at the airport
The crappy food, the exhausted flight attendants
And the inexorable speed at which you leave.

What ties you to others, my dear?
What breaks the bonds you forge so strongly?
When will the ways of the world and of man break you in?

When will you understand that emotion is as elastic and as sharp as
The first exposure you get to final mornings and overflowing suitcases;
The simple realization that you are only one person, struggling to
Make sense of a world that is soon no longer yours to possess?

There’s another muted silence before the radiator kicks on,
And I’m stuck with the acidic taste of your parting words.
Guess there’s really nothing left for me here now.
Just your afterimage, imprinted against my skin.

My reality takes the form
Of tentative little scrawls
Straggling down the page.

_{You’re just a blur in this lifetime of clarity.}

Sexual desire.
Romantic love.
Deep attachment.

I want to slow dance in the dark
As close as we can get to each other
Until the moment dies its slow death
And we’re left with just our breath.

Then I’ll take our hands
And cradle that ember
Until it sparks back to life
And when it lights up your face
I’ll fall in love all over again.

Chapel Room

We walk until the sun falls out of our eyes.
Then we cross the wooden floor, glowing
In the shifting afternoon light.

And they sound out,
Lonely against the lawn.

My palms are pressed
Against the piano rim.
You are against the wall,
So you can feel the vibrations
Of each ring.

One. Two.
Three. Four.

I catch your eye and tell you,
“You should have never happened.”
All you do is smile, weary.

“We should have never happened, my dear.
But will that change anything?”

You taught me scales in minor and major,
Chords echoing the bells as they chime.
I push my memories into your back,
Until they’re tattooed on your skin,
And there’s nothing but warmth left.

Nine. Ten.  Eleven.
Twelve-

Then you take my hand again and I-
I wake up with your name on my lips,
Muffled against his pillow before he wakes.

—-
Written January 22nd, 2012

The Egret Heart

Stood there in that room,
Hand covered in the dust that came off the doorknob
Little glass hearts broken underfoot

Hung your heart
With a phone line
out to dry

Half-burned fragments written in that old familiar hand
Slanted “I love you”s and “please keep all your promises” and
“affectionately yours”
Still legible in the dying light

Urging  you to find your own meaning
To find your own soul, to find your own way
Telling you it’s one step closer, just don’t give up-

There’s something almost laughable about all this, you think,
As you navigate towards the window
Because it was him who whispered,
“what is love” to your shoulder

Back when he believed you could spin worlds and words together
Making up mountains and truths and beauty
Back when he still had faith to give.

But now there’s nothing here but remnants
A broken-bladed fan, stained blinds,
And an echo of his voice: “Don’t be afraid to change.”

Tangled.

I dream of a red car
With a rusted hood
And you there in the passenger seat,
Staring out the rain-smeared window,
Counting all the passing taillights.

I want to say,
“Look at me.
You know that bed?
All the hours wasted in it,
It’s still calling out to me.

Touch.
How I longed for it,
Used it as an escape,
Did what I told myself I’d never-“
Little lies, layering on top of each other.

I whisper to the windshield,
“Please tell me
What would you do
To not be alone.
Please.”

You don’t answer at first,
Just flick me a sideways glance,
A sardonic little smile.
“What gets you through the day, my dear?
What would you do for the warmth of another body?”

Anything, you know
Anything, you’d know
Anything, but you know…
But now there’s just a dead little silence left
Hovering near the roof of the car.

Nothing left to say now, is there?

Gone.

Day breaking again
Shattering you into a thousand more reasons
Not to go, not to stay
All I’m wishing for is someone to take me far away
From here, from here…

I wake up and there’s the ceiling
Walls of monotonous grey
And I’m left to walk out the door
Take the keys, pretend I won’t look
Into my side mirrors until our place
Fades out of sight.

And oh, you know,
The silence still shames me.
Trying your hardest to hold a conversation
When all I’m interested in is being gone.
Is this what it feels like?
Closing the door on all you’ve built?

You’re just another person to lose
And it’s so sad, so sad.
So I just let the lane lines whip by
Staring towards where the sunlight lies
Wind blowing my tears dry
Drowning out the last words you cried.

We treat mishaps like sinking ships, and I know I don’t want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips, and they both tell me that we’re better than this.

I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.

I’m crying damn it will you never leave?

I miss the sound of your voice - the loudest thing in my head - and I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

You’re still in my iTunes.  “You will be okay.”

So is your sister and brother.  They were so cute, you know.  I miss them.  I miss them almost as much as I miss you.

6AM, day after Christmas: I throw some clothes on in the dark.  The smell of cold; car seat is freezing.  The world is sleeping… I am, numb.

It’s been a year and two months since we’ve last spoken.  I miss you.  God.  I miss you.  I didn’t think six months could amount to this.  To me sitting here ardently wishing I could take back all that I did and said to you.  

I am so sorry.  Fuck.  I am so sorry.  It’s so stupid, isn’t it?  I guess it’s irrelevant whether you think of me or not.  It’s irrelevant whether you even remember any of it.  Whether you want to or not. 

Put down your world, just for one night (please) pick me again

You said I was heaven.  Why don’t you tell me how hard the impact was when I fell from your grace?  Because hey, I know I fell hard.  It was so painful, I didn’t think I’d get up again.  I was so sure that was it for me.  Eighteen years old with no dreams or aspirations.  No desire to find someone who could remind me that the world out there is still beautiful.

Oh these times are hard, yeah they’re making us crazy, don’t give up on me baby…

I don’t know where I go from here.  I’m scared to tell him these things.  He feels threatened by you, you know.  I tell him I don’t see how he could be - whenever I think about you, all it brings me is grief, and all he brings me is happiness.

There’s no contest, really.

But I just.. want to hear your voice.. one more time.

is that too much to ask?

Paul. - December 16th, 2010

I want words at my funeral.  I want people to talk, to speak, to make sound.
I don’t want silences and loneliness, desolation and brittleness, fragile tears.
I want anger.  Grief.  Passion.  Happiness, above all.  Joy.  Fond nostalgia.
I don’t want them turning me into something I wasn’t.  I was just a boy.
But I was someone, even if I didn’t count for much in the eyes of the world.

The days stagger on, and my longing for you takes my breath away.
I’ve never felt such a strong yearning before, and I know that.
It’s been a brief life so far, small years, but the feeling is undeniable.
Kind of like the moment after you open your eyes for the first time
In the midst of a brand-new day.  A brief confusion, off-kilter

I miss you. I miss you. I miss the nights, the talking, the silences
The way your laugh would hold me in much the same way your eyes did.
I miss the days, the rhythms of our routine, the silent winding
As we learned how to dance around each other through the weeks
Finding our own measure of peace in the moments we shared.

You breathed for the first time in my mind, a small inhalation
You breathed, for the first time… And the words poured out.
I miss you.  It feels like it’s just me bringing on the agony.
It’s almost ridiculous how much power one person can have,
Whether or not they want to - leaving marks, like charcoal

Would you look up and see me, as I am, before you turn and walk away?
Look at me.  Turn and face me just once.  I’m leaving you by staying behind.
And you turn the dial towards the right as I drive you home, breathing in as heat fills the car.
I thought you were beautiful sitting there, as I gripped the steering wheel with fingers gone dead.
So beautiful, so beautiful, it was like a mantra I repeated over and over in my head, so beautiful.

Is this what life is, the little moments?  Is this what we need to take heed of, while we’re still here?
I don’t know, I’ll never know for sure.  I wish I did know the answers, sometimes.  For a short while.
The curve of your neck as you stared out the window underscored your vulnerability in bold lines
And I wanted to turn away from it, ignore it, pretend it never existed, hide my knowledge of it
So I wouldn’t feel the urge to break it down, transform it, and in the process, destroy it.

I don’t know where I’ll be buried, all those years from now.  Not long to go.
I don’t know what they’ll say about me, I don’t know what songs they’ll sing.
I don’t even know if I’ll be nothing but a handful of gray in the end, muted color
To be scattered to the four winds at some secluded location, isolated from everything
I can’t let the wondering get to me.  It seems almost morbid.  But we all think about it.

It’s interesting to watch someone find their own way, unused to the sudden emptiness.
It makes me wonder what I look like, to outside eyes.  How many times have I stumbled?
Tick, tock - the clock races you as you spin across the floor, curtains blocking out the light
Will you let me rest here, just for a while?  Regain my senses, get my bearings for a final time
It’s something people have to adjust to.  Ask anyone, and they’d tell you the same.

It doesn’t change.  I thought I could let you go, I really did.  I thought I could walk away from this.
You didn’t think I would.  You thought I was someone better, you thought I was something I wasn’t.
All I wanted to do was run, like I’ve done countless times before.  I just wanted to shut down.
I can’t do that.  Why can’t I do that?  Why can’t I withdraw like usual? What makes you so different?
I press down and the blinker turns on, and you make a small noise as I turn the wheel sharply.

Then we are parked on the street next to your house, and you are still staring out the window.
I turn off the ignition and wait for the engine to cool, counting down.  Still you don’t get out.
I reach over you, cursing myself when my jacketed arm brushes against yours, and open the door.
The cold air rushes in, and you turn towards me with a question lit up in your eyes.  ”Paul?”
“Get out,” I whisper.  ”It feels as if I’m taking all of your air, sitting here in the same space as you.”

You step outside, close the door, and walk around the front of the car to stand in front of my window.
I roll it down, staring straight ahead.  ”Thanks for the ride,” you say, your breath misting over me.
There are so many words left unsaid, hovering around us like drops of moisture on the night air.
I can’t seem to get the words out.  You know I’m depressed, you can see me slipping further away.
But I can’t bring myself to care, see?  You are light.  You’re going to amount to somebody, someday.

Who am I?  Just some guy you let into your life, for a while.  Someone who loved you, for a while.
And as I watch you walk away, I think of all your flaws and faults.  I think, how beautiful.
Then I turn the key and watch my dashboard flicker to life.  It blurs suddenly with tears.
What kind of man cries like that when he watches his ex walk away?  Tell me, what kind of.
I miss you even when you’re right next to me.  I miss you, I miss you walking away from me.

Come back, my mind whispers.  Come back to me, let me show you who I am, give me a second chance
But you don’t, and I won’t, so I just put the car in drive and leave your neighborhood for the final time.
The Christmas lights are on, but I can’t enjoy them.  I just stare hard at the road and try not to think.
Not like it works, not like it ever works out like that.  But you can try, you know?  You can try to make it
Another day of turning the minutes into hours.  Another night of counting the seconds until first light.

And I try to not think of funerals.  Just in case. 

Cracking - August 21st, 2011

I’ll drive the message home, baby
Crossing out the words I never should have said
Dripping golden ink down the page
As I try to rewrite our twisted history.

Here I am, under your wake
With you buzzing under my skin
Just let me sink all of this
‘Til I’m left with nothing again.

Now the truth is out, dear,
Rendered in black, white, and grey
This is the point where I gave up,
And you decided you couldn’t stay.

November 9th, 2011

Melancholy breathes through you.
She finds you there, lying on your side.
You don’t care when she climbs in beside you.

You don’t respond to her questions.
So she runs her fingertips up your arms,
And you shiver, mind stumbling to a halt.

But wasn’t that her plan all along?
She smiles, and you feel it in the darkness.
It’s as warm as her body pressed against your back.

You stare upwards, trying to remember how to breathe.

Breathe.
Breathe.

Breathe.

She holds her breath, then you feel her hands on your shoulder.
You resist, but she pulls anyway. You turn, refusing to meet her eyes.
She strokes your cheek until you open your eyes, and she smiles at you.

You smile back reflexively, counting out the breaths in your mind.
She pulls you close as the smile falls and the tears come.
She doesn’t let you apologize.

It’s morning when you give yourself over to peace.
Even then, she doesn’t leave your bed.
It’s a beautiful morning.