Currently reading (simultaneously):
- The SAO light novel volume one
- The SAO manga (am not succeeding)
- Read Chuunibyo Demo Koi ga Shitai! light novel
- Read the Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun manga
Find a present for my relative✓ Find a present for A’s relative✓ Get into the Christmas spirit✓ Get off the computer✓ Charge my phone✓ Get some sleep.✓
Happy holidays, you all.
I knocked over a cup full of pens and pencils the other day,
And as my grasping fingers tried to enact damage control,
I am reminded of you.
Three days ago, it rained. I watched the water splatter the tops of my shoes,
The ones I spent an hour deliberating on: petite little black shoes
With a petite little black bow on each toe.
They served me well when I needed
to be a young girl from the 1800s,
Asking her tutor about carnal embrace.
And after everything was over,
people hugged each other. The TA seemed almost… emotional.
That’s what you get when you sign up for an acting class, I suppose.
As they hit the floor, a vision of smoke rises up,
Spiraling towards the darkened and canted ceiling,
As prayers whispered from pale lips warm the air.
And quickly following that is the cold.
Faith is a hard thing to hold.
It’s just about as slippery as
A cup full of pens and pencils, falling towards the floor.
CALLING ALL WRITERS
So, there’s this lovely little website called 750words.com, which encourages you to write at least 750 words per day. It’s completely anonymous and completely free and you don’t have to share your writings with everyone.
It also tells you thinks like how distracted you were, your wpm, your most used words, and your main topics of writing.
It’s a very nice place for your daily brain dump. And it really encourages you to write.
SO GO JOIN AND DO WRITING THINGS
when an artist wants to show you their art
or a writer wants you to read what they’ve written
it’s quite often an expression of trust
because a poem or a story or a painting are often things that come from the heart
little pieces of the artists themselves
and if they’re willing to share it with you
you should appreciate it
just be over, I told yesterday
just be over and let me breathe relief
but I woke up to today
and for some reason, it was worse
and it’s not that I miss you
you didn’t even cross my mind.
little lies come as I stare at my phone
waiting for time to leave me.
I think it was the feeling
of her arms around me
hands against my back
as I breathe her in and cry
I never did want them to see me like that.
I told you, emotional extremes were never my thing.
but perhaps this was a bit beyond my control
just like you. just like you.
my rage won’t let me apologize
and as I scream curse words to the ceiling of my car,
I can see how easy it is to break down and
admit you were right.
You were right.
And I… I was wrong.
But you’ll never know.
No, you’ll never know
Just what this did to me.
I think it’s interesting how I can write a phrase in a story or poem, only to find it come to life a year later - so when I look back on my work, there’s a new significance there I never dreamed of when first writing it.
you’re so considerate
of my limitations
that I don’t
I want you to know
how much I adore you
you’re simply wonderful.
and if there ever comes a day
where we must part ways,
don’t forget this:
you’re a lovely human being,
and any person lucky enough
to be your significant other
better treat you with the
amount of love and respect
you give to me every day.
there’s no one better
the more weight I lose,
the more easily I bruise.
A Look Inside
A man once told me my mind intrigued and frightened him. I’d have to agree.
My mind is a place I’ve found myself retreating to more and more ever since the last few months of being seventeen. A series of deaths dropped me into that realm with no warning, and I realized after a while it was harder to go than it was to stay.
Thus began my interaction emotional extremes. I’ve mentioned before that grief has a way of dulling you, yet it sharpens your senses and emotions to an almost unbearable clarity.
Let’s think of melodrama. Exaggerated actions, a full range of facial expressions, superfluous gesture… I experienced that all from within my shell of depression, which crushed my external indicators of emotion to just a poker face and deep, intense crying.
It was terribly disorienting. I couldn’t stand it after a while. I just wanted the whole world to go away.
More recently, I’ve been better about controlling myself. The emotional excesses are still just as intense, but they’re not quite so frequent. I suppose one could correlate that to my grieving - I’ve discovered that the more time passes, the less raw my emotional states become.
That said, I still experience terrible moments of no control. The anxiety I feel causes my heart to go at a rate I don’t think is possible. The bitterness puts memories and words on repeat in my head until I want to rip my hair out. The sadness pulls at my insides, and it has the smallest of triggers.
The way a girl turns her head.
The twisting of a leaf.
The temperature of a day.
And the rage. Oh, the rage is incomprehensible. I have injured myself during these fits. It’s stupid, I know.
I used to put a fist through glass when I was a child
Two years ago, I’d write messages on my arms in mechanical pencil
Hard enough to leave red for days
And a few weeks ago, I bashed the back of my head into a wall
Because of a girl I hope I never meet.
Stupid… yes. But are there healthier alternative?
I just want to pull back from it. It scares me - the emotional depth of my brain is just insane. It baffles me. I don’t know what to do with it.
And as strange as it is, I never can bring up these emotions on the fly, even if my acting calls for it.
It’s a dilemma. And I still don’t know the answers.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
From pushing each other
From our childhoods.
hello, she said
a little glancing smile
shimmering in my direction
as if it would be my saving grace.
hello, she said
touching little facets in my mind
the only place I’ve known
for the past two-and-a-half years
hello, I say
flinching from the harshness of my voice
as it breaks the silence into
a million little stars.
fireflies in a jar
hummingbirds and roses
regret and desire.
I wish we had never met, my man.
you took my life and shook it clean
leaving just little remnants
of a fading, dying young love.
“But I’m thinking of what Sarah said, that
‘Love is watching someone die.’”
Do I want to die alone?
Do I want to die?
Do I want to?
Do I want
What is love, what is love?
Watched the breath leave,
Felt the heart stop its beat.
Please tell me it’s not love.
Not love, no.
No. No. No.
“Home sweet home”
‘Baby please don’t cry.’
Oh darling, it’s too much for me.
She’s not here to wipe away my tears
She’s not here to cuddle and rock and croon
She’s not, but I know you are. I’ll try to stay for you.
Months bleeding into the pavement
Spreading out slowly like a stain against my soul
Hello I am pretending
Hello I am
[darling no please don’t speak]
[I don’t want to be the one, no]
[please I swear I-]
[please I swear]
I AM NOT BROKEN
DO YOU HEAR ME
I AM ME I AM ME I-
i’m not broken don’t you see
all i did was lose an integral
part of me
but she’s here
he told me, she’s
in my heart. right here.
he touched me
right here, he said.
so the tears came, right
the wet and the breath
then i could breathe
and i was alright
i was okay
I was ok
Six letters you’ll never lay eyes on.
Seventeen poems dedicated to your name.
Pages of questions and affirmations and vows
Tentative promises and aloof bitterness
Memories of all the good times.
They could question my sanity
As they leaf through all the pages;
They could write me off as obsessed.
And I suppose I am; you’re the first one
Who’s allowed me to see things can work
Two people can fit together rather nicely,
Despite the flaws and quirks and fears;
That maybe love could exist for me,
That I could have a happy ending.
So I guess I will continue to write all this,
Voicing my thoughts and doubts and opinions.
And though the past can, does, and will haunt me,
I think it’s enough to know you would still stay
And maybe let me find peace with you.
Aug. 26th, 2011
Shock. That is what spring left you on your doorstep.
So what was summer to you?
Fall had you crying tears of rage and pooling your pain,
And winter brought you crazed grief and melted snow.
Then it was spring again.
And forgiveness, almost -
(couldn’t forgive him, no matter how hard you tried)
But no, there was no happiness.
There wasn’t an end to it. No… not yet.
Still a river to cross, a tunnel to escape from, a mountain to climb…
Beginning of summer,
The thought of pain, resting lightly against the corners of your room
Haunting you, following you, whispering seductive promises of rest.
So what did you do?
Fought it, right. One year of inactivity, passively accepting death. Now, no more.
So you drew. And signed. Wrote. Read. Spoke Japanese, ‘cause you needed to, and you could.
Got back on DA.
Let’s contemplate it.
Calm down, take a breather, stop a while.
Listen to the world around you.
Find your peace.
Tell him he makes you happy.
Tell him, period.
‘Cause that red-headed boy in grey
Found a new wreck to work on
One that won’t blow up in his face
So just let him drift away
Let yourself move on.
Give up, let go.
This life wants you to follow
So you might as well run the race while you can
And hold tight to contentment when you find it
Because it’s something truly special.
Don’t forget that.
(You’ll be okay)
This is what happiness feels like.
(You’ll be alright)
Feels like home.
(You’ll be fine)
Home sweet home.
Moments - Aug. 21st, 2011
It’s so strange to be sitting here looking back on everything.
So tell me, what do I do when I’m faced with a choice to make
And the only answers lead to more hurt?
It’s so odd sitting here writing this, because I’d promised myself I wouldn’t
Because look what it did the first time
Do you see what I’ve done
But look at me now
Tell me what you see
Is it a girl
Is she happy
Is she smiling at you?
That smile you said you loved so much?
What do you see when you close your eyes? Imprints of the ceiling you were just staring at? Or memories that have seared themselves into your mind and soul?
Is there still pain?
Are you still
But what if I told you
Tell me, what would your answer be?
Sunday afternoon, it’s 3:59 and you’re all I can see.
Come back to me.
Only, I know it’s too late now.
Too late now
But that’s okay now,
It’s okay now
Will you do this one last thing for me?
A promise I know you can’t keep
But make it for me anyways
A little pinky vow
To stay close to life
And find her, please
Find the girl who will give you
The peace you’ve tried to find
For so long…
That girl ain’t me.